Go F#%k yourself, Buzzfeed and Friends.

You’ve all seen those obnoxious list-based articles from content farms plastered all over your facebook feed. I’ve grown increasingly fed up with them of late (with the exception of Cracked. Cracked is fucking brilliant). Half the time, they just throw up a catchy headlines, some photos, and call it a day.

The ones I hate the most are the ones that discuss the differences between men and women. You know the ones, “30 things women don’t understand about men”, “40 things guys don’t understand about women”, “174.5 weird morning habits men between the ages of 25 and 28 have on Mondays”…

Apart from being annoying, trite, sexist, stereo-type ridden, sexist towards both genders, poorly written, sexist, contingent on the biases of the writer, reliant upon assumptions of the reader’s stupidity, and sexist, they’re also… actually, no, that about covers my main points. Fuck. So annoying. “Oh-hoh, I’d rather make light of implicit gender biases rather than attempting to address them!”

“Men don’t ask for directions.” Five years ago, this might have at least had some basis, no matter how sexist. Now, though? The majority of people have smart phones with mapping functions. I get that you aren’t going to care about sexism when writing this tripe, but at least try to keep up with technology. One of these days I’m pretty sure I’ll come across one making fun of women for not understanding Morse fucking code.

“Men aren’t teenagers anymore, why are they playing videogames?” Welp, this is how I know the writer is a baby boomer. THEY’RE EVEN RUINING OUR SHITTY SEXIST CONTENT FARM ARTICLES! DAMN YOU, BABY BOOMERS!

“Why are women willing to show their emotions in public/ to strangers/ to anyone/ while hiding in their closet with their faces pressed against a pillow? I wouldn’t do that.” Wow, thanks, shitty parody of an emotionally resolute 1950’s dad repressing the pain of cirrhosis of the liver through sheer willforce and pipe-stem biting, it’s as if normal people of both genders strive to be able to deal with their emotions in a healthy, reasonable manner! (To be fair, I’m not great at sharing my emotions, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why some people are comfortable with it).

“Why are men so weak-willed around breasts? They’re just adipose and ductile tissue, with occasional silicon or plastic explosives!” Geez, I don’t know. It’s like our society systematically reinforces a message of their desirability of a sex characteristic from infancy or something!

“Why do women always go for jerks instead of nice guys?” Haha, well, maybe because they find them attractive, dumbshit. Also, maybe because they don’t treat them the same way they treat you. Also, 95% of the goddamn time I hear dudes say that they’re just being nice to chicks because they expect to get laid. If you’re a middle schooler, I might not expect you to have the level of introspection/ observation to realize this shit. Otherwise…

“Why do men want sex constantly/ when they lose their job/ when their mom just died/ when they’re on the run from the law for killing a puppy in front of a schoolbus full of children?” Hey, maybe for a wide range of reasons from a need for physical comfort during difficult times to the guy doesn’t actually want sex, just cuddling for his headache? I know plenty of couples where the woman is the one who pushes for sex more often. Horniness or lack thereof is not limited to one gender.

“Why are (men/women) so (bad/good/cannibalistic) around kids?” Hmm. HMMMMMMMMMM. HMMMMMM. Somehow, every single person who writes these articles grew up in a sitcom family where the dad works, the mom raises the kids, and whenever the dad tries to do something with the kids it ends in disaster! (Hey, maybe we’ve found where child actors go after Hollywood!)

Endless amounts of futile internet rage. Does make me kind of wonder how non-cisgendered or gay people feel about these articles. Probably not good, since the only ones who show up in them often are gay guys, and then just as fashion accessories to the ridiculously two-dimensional pod people posing as women in these articles. Everyone else just gets swiped under the rug like they don’t exist.

Want to do something about these awful fucking articles? That’s easy. They generate revenue through ads. Don’t read them, don’t post them, don’t share them, they don’t get the ad money, they don’t keep getting rewritten.

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